Still plugging along

Did you think I had given up? Nope. I do admit this summer has been difficult. I have played with losing 33-35lbs all summer. I would lose then I would gain the same amount I lost. Frustrating. I did join the fitness and worked out faithfully for a couple of weeks. Then it seems like I went on a hiatus or a sabbatical, but I think that is okay. I didn't give up. I just put counting points on hold for awhile. I didn't go back to eating everything I wanted, well maybe I did, but I didn't start drinking real pop again.
We changed leaders at our program at work and I really didn't like him too much. I don't know I am sure he is a nice guy, but just didn't click for me. That makes a huge difference on the leader. We didn't have enough people to renew at work so I decided I would join Weight Watchers online. I have been on it 2 days and it seems to be working good. I just have to be careful not to weigh everyday. Monday is my weigh in day. I thought about changing it because being right after the weekend and all, but we will see how it goes. If I have to change it I am not going to beat myself up about it. I do think I will like it online, but that means I might be posting on here more.
I do have plans to start working out again. I need to do measurements because if I don't lose then I can check to see if I am losing inches.
Okay now you all now that I am still hanging in there. I will have a new picture of another 10lb weight loss soon. I will make it. Thanks to everyone for the support.

10 % of me is gone

As of this past Wednesday I have lost 10% of me. If you find it I don't want it back. That is 30lbs. That is cool, but I will tell you the lifestyle change is tough. I have found out the lifestyle change involves more than eating and exercising changes. It involves emotional and mental changes also. I have struggled with my old fr enemy depression more the past week or so than I have for awhile. I am not sure what is going on. I feel restless or lonely or something. Maybe I need to get away for awhile, but where to go and how to get there? I have been trying to find someone to hang out with as in a male type person, but haven't had much luck. Then I think I am having luck and then either because I want more than a booty call or he saw my pic of my weight loss on FB stopped hearing from him. I know, I know he is that shallow and he isn't worth it. I know that, but it is disappointing and it hurts to be rejected by anyone. Then I get pissed off at myself for not heeding the red flags. Did you know that the human species is the only species that does not pay attention to the gut instinct? Then I have to ask myself I am I losing weight for me or to get that male? I really believe it is for me. Losing weight is like making changes anywhere else it has to be for the person not for anyone else.
However, even though I have been struggling with the down moods I have seemed more content. Does that make sense? More content at home and more content with who I am.
I think I am going to stop trying to find the elusive male. Lord knows I haven't ever tried real hard anyway. I just want to be somebody special to someone. Oh eee gads, I am beginning to sound all sappy. See there it is that feeling again not knowing what it is I am feeling. Is restlessness-what for? Loneliness-who for? Burned out-from what? I don't know, I don't know and I don't know.
Of course, it could be the change thing I am freaking about. I think I have talked about my dislike of change positive or negative. Could be that I am attempting to get out of my comfort zone some and that is freaking me out. I believe that could be it. I have been taking steps to improve myself, which I have been successful at. I have taken steps to find a male person in my life, which is something different for me. At least I am stepping in that direction. I don't know. This I do know I have lost 30 lbs accept it enjoy it and concentrate on the next 10% 28lbs. Things have a way of working out if we just let them. I feel like I should have posted here sooner I feel better.
Please don't feel sorry for me and try to set me up with anyone. Well, if they have a lot of money I will consider.

Knew it was going to happen

Today was weigh in day. I knew that it would happen sooner or later, of course I was hoping later, but I had a gain of OVER a pound. One point 4 to be exact. However, I knew it was coming because you cannot eat the way I have been for the past week and not gain weight. My birthday was last Thursday so that started out as an excuse, but then by Sunday I was still going. Sunday I literally made myself sick because I ate too much. We used to have a pony that would founder because he would eat and eat and eat. Just call me Ole Smokey. I guess in a way I did find out that I can't each as much as I use to, but then again I found out that those old habits are still there waiting to bite me in the butt, or add fat to my butt.
We started a new 13 week block of Weight Watchers at work today so I am starting out fresh. For some reason the way my mind is wired it makes since for me to start again this way. I have set my goal again this time as 5% which with rounding and all will be the same as last time, 15lbs. Remember though I have already lost the origigal 5% and for that I am glad. I only have 9 more lbs. to post another pic.
I am concerned that this time around is going to be more difficult for me. I am not sure why. Probably because I know how those old habits work with me, and that stick to itness. But those are old thoughts and old voices talking. That is the biggest roadblock for me, the old me talking. How quickly it knows when to come out. Urrrrr go away go away!!!! Oh gosh now I am sounding like my patients. lol. I am sure you know what I mean though. A woman was sharing with me today about her alcoholism. She spoke about the struggles she has had with the depression and everything else that comes with alcoholism. She spoke about not being able to love herself, and having a wall around with no one able to really get in. I was able to list all of the feelings she had experienced with low/no self esteem. Goodness I am so happy, joyous, jubilant those feelings are not around. I can't say they don't surface every now and then, but they don't hang out long. I know with my weight and my journey to be healthy there is more at stake than physical it is the mental and emotional as well. I know I have come a long way mentally and emotionally, but I know I can have more when the physical catches up. It will. I am a firm believer that everything happens when and how it is supposed to and when we are ready.
I am sure I will have to come back and read this post many times.

Today has been kind of a tough day. Probably because I have done nothing and I mean nothing. I ate 3 WW ice cream bars and no the points aren't much, but the point is self control. But I think I am going to come out on my points okay. For supper I had Chicken Asiago Sausage. Fixed them in some olive oil sliced them down the middle and had a weinie samich. The great thing about the sausages are they are only worth 2 pts. each and they are filling. I didn't have any soda in the house, man I got to jonesing bad for one. I would have drank a real one if it would have been available. Thank goodness it wasn't.

down 20 +

Hello, I am still here. I am posting cause I have lost another 10 lbs. That means another pic. All together I have lost 21.8. I am surprised that I have been this successful. But not really either. I think I just have my mind set that I want to be healthy. I don't know that is so much about looking good as much as it is about feeling good. However, I am sure that I will feel good when I look good in a pair of jeans.
My eating has been good for the most part. I have probably been eating out more than I should, but I always count the points (most always.)It is hard being single and all to cook a meal for one. I know it can be done. I would like to be able to add some variety besides chicken. Chicken is good and easy, but there is only so many ways to fix it. Send me some ideas.
I know that I am going to have some down times and I am trying to prepare for those and what I will do. One plan is to go see Carl. He is always an encourager. We are starting the 2nd part of WW program at work. My goal this time is to add exercise by going to the fitness center. I like to exercise it is convincing myself I have the time.
I got another motivator this week for losing weight. I had my back X-rayed last week. I had back surgery when I was 11 for a slipped disc. I have never really had any problems with it. I think I just learned that being younger I wanted to go and do and I couldn't if my back was hurting. I was playing softball the next summer and marched in band with a sousaphone and played a tuba in concert band. These were things I wanted to do so I did them. I believe that my parents never discouraged me from being active. My mom was a bit worried some, but I think it was a normal mom worry. I probably very easily could have been on disability years ago, but never thought about it. Sometimes when my patients complain about their backs I want to show them my big scar. It is about 12 inches long. This was back in the day when u had surgery and knew it. It probably helps too that I had one of the best neuro surgeons in the country right here in Springfield, MO. Just think if it hadn't been for cashew chicken where would I be. ANYWAY I am certainly taking the long way to this last motivator. Had my back x-rayed cause it had never been since I was 11. I found out I have degenerative disc disease and osteoarthritis. This is probably nothing more than I what I have had for years, but just knowing it makes it seem serious. However, the DDD is a normal process caused from aging, being obese, and probably the back surgery. The osteoarthritis makes me a bit nervous cause of family history with arthritis, but it isn't rheumatoid. That is good. Both things can be helped with strengthening my back and getting the weight off. I am also taking Cymbalta, which is an anti-depressant that helps with back pain, and metanx which is a combo of vit B6/B12 that has been shown to regenerate nerve cells. I also started taking 400 mg of ibuprofen 2x a day. This news in itself should be enough to keep me motivated. I will keep my fingers crossed.
Enough rambling for now.

Still here

I haven't posted anything for awhile. Not sure if there is a lot to catch up on or not. Let's see, last time I was on I had lost 10 lbs. Since then I am not sure how much I have lost since then. I have lost a total of 13.6 all together. Last week I gained .2 and this week lost .8. It sure does seem slow doesn't it? I guess it was about 2 weeks ago that I lost a bit of my momentum. I stopped tracking and started guessing at the points. Doesn't work. My mood was for some reason kind of funked up. I tried to figure out what was going on, but it is always hard to do that with yourself. However, I have gotten through it. One thing I must remember for myself is that this is not a diet, it is a lifestyle change. Not only do my eating habits have to change, but other things in my life need to be going the way they are supposed to. I think I am learning that I do have a tendency to eat my emotions. I need to keep myself mentally and emotionally fit as well as physically fit. One of the biggest things for me is when my house is clean and neat I feel better. Duh! no brainer huh. I never said I was the fastest one on the block. My house is clean now. It is so much easier to do this if I can cook,which I can, but cooking involves cleaning up and that ain't no fun. I fixed my supper tonight which by the way was delish, and the dishes are put in the dishwasher and the cabinet is wiped down. Oops I did forget to sweep the floor. Even after eating a nice meal of Hawaiian Chicken, rice and carrots I am still a bit hungry. I still have 2 points left. I have a couple of different choices. I can check to see what the Orville popcorn is, I can eat an ice cream bar, maybe 2 cause I think they are worth 1 pt. each, or eat some mint choc chip ice cream, or some fresh strawberries. With WW it is important to eat all of your points for the day because it slows your metabolism down if you don't. I can actually eat more than my alloted points because you get extra points, and you get points for being active. I have this really cool Ped o meter that I got from work, that measures all this cool stuff, like aerobic steps, Kcal, and then the usual steps of course. I found out that I walk about a mile a day. Imagine that.
I think I will close for now. Hopefully, I will write more often.

Feeling good

I am feeling good today. I have lost my first 10 lbs since joining WW on Jan 29th. Cool uh? I think so. You might not be able to tell it, but I can. It is in very small ways, but those still count. I am also proud that even though some of my losses have been small they are still a loss. I haven't had any gains yet. I know I will, but that is okay too.
I am feeling good today. Honestly that is not a feeling that I always have. Or when I have that feeling there is that little voice that says 'You know you are gonna screw up or something is gonna happen.' I am hoping that this is a feeling I will get used to. I am thinking that I am feeling this way today because of the positive changes that are going on in my life. I also think that I am feeling this way because of the vitamins I am taking and that I am eating healthier. I still haven't started exercising yet. I did find out that I can join the fitness center at work for free since I am in the new insurance program. That is a good thing. I just need to do it. I will.
This is all for now, but will post again.

Hungry

Tonight I am hungry. I have eaten supper, but probably haven't eaten all my points. I think I forget to mention that I am using weight watchers to assist in my lifestyle change. I think it is a good program because you make gradual changes. On WW you can also eat anything you want. You just have to remember that when it goes in it counts. Kind of like the saying, Once on the lips forever on the hips. There is a lady I work with who says she is on WW, but she always talks about going off of her diet because she ate a cookie or something. Because she is not one of my favorite people I always correct her and tell her she can eat anything on WW. She just irritates me. Today she asked me how to spell Caesars. I told her then she didn't think it was right so she asked someone else. They spelled it wrong. I told them both that I was right. I got accused of being like my sister Melinda. Oh well when you are right and you know it. Ain't that right sister?
A bit worried my Maggie(cat). She hasn't eaten all day. She doesn't need to lose weight.
Going to fix some popcorn. Only one point.
I forgot to mention that I have been in WW since end of January and I have lost 8.6 lbs.

A new journey

As you might have guessed by the title of my blog I am going through some changes in my life. With the loss of my brother in December it really got me thinking about things. Life mainly. What did I need to do to make my life better? What did I need to do that when it comes to the end of my time on earth I can say it has been a good journey? I feel I started making postive changes when I started going back to school and graduated, but then became stagnant. The first change I feel I need to make is to become healthier physically and that means LOSE WEIGHT. It pissed me off when I started have to take high blood pressure meds. I don't have high blood pressure. Well the 170/112 said different the day I went to the doc. I don't intend for my weight loss to be just a temporary thing. I need to get the weight off and keep it that way. That means a total lifestyle change. CHANGE-should be a four letter word. Don't like it never have, but I do know now that I can handle it.
My first weight loss change when I lost about 300 lbs. last weekend. What???? Sometimes making changes for ourselves means letting go of people or things that we have held on to for too long just because they are safe. Safe doesn't always mean good for us. I had to look at a friend relationship and say to myself, "this is not good for me." It had become a 'safe' relationship, but it was not healthy for me. Too much negativity from him. I couldn't change him, was tired of trying to justify to myself that things he said and did were okay. Well they were not, somethings went against things that I believe in deeply. I guess you can say I outgrew the relationship. That is a good thing. I guess I was still growing even when I thought I was stagnant.
I intend to use this blog to talk about things and stuff and change. I hope that it will help me to stay on track with my changes. I am going to post a pic for every 10 lbs I lose. I realize I won't be able to see a change all at once, but it will come gradual. I have a lot to lose weight wise, but a lot to gain in other ways.
I feel with the changes in my physical health will come even more positive changes in my mental health, emotional health, and spiritual health.
Enough for now.