CHANGE

Here we go again making those changes, ugh I don't like change, but it is necessary. It has been 2 years since I have posted anything. Time does fly and where does it go? I am now 49 and I believe that number could be the catalyst for this change. Who knows? Maybe it is the right time. Do I look at my last attempt at losing weight at failure? In a way yes and in another way no. I always try to learn something from everything that goes unexpectedly that way something has been gained. I don't think I am going to use this forum so much as a weight loss blog yet, because I am not there yet. What I have learned in this struggle is it must be come from within. One must look at what is going on and why food is our comforter. I am reading 2 books now to help me with this process. Women Food and God,(WFG) by Gennen Roth and one on how to get organized. For some reason these two things are intertwined for me in my life. I bought WFG because it was on sale at Borders then I went back each mark down for the companion books. I have been starting off and on with WFG all summer. Would go to the pool and read a couple of pages then stop. Today I read several pages and had several "wow" moments. This following quote being the first, "I've been abandoned and betrayed by who and what really matters and all I have left is food-is where the link between food and God exists. It marks the moment we gave up on ourselves, on change, on life. It marks the place we are afraid, It marks the feelings we won't allow ourselves to feel, and in so doing, keeps our lives contstricted and dry and stale. In that isolated place, it is a short step to the conclusion that God-where goodness and healing and love exist-abandoned us, betrayed us or is a supernatural version of our parents." I believe I do have a sense of abandonment somewhere in me. I feel abandoned my parents aren't here, especially my mom. I loved my mom more than anyone. In fact I was embarassed at times that I loved her so much and would rather have been with her than anyone. I would get mad sometimes because it didn't seem like I had anyone else but her in my life for me. How she could have left me when I needed her the most I did not understand for a long time. Then there was the baby miscarried 2 weeks before my mom died. With the loss of the baby I could not fathom losing my mom 2 weeks later. My mind said I lost her so I could keep my mom. I know these events are 22 years old, time flies and where does it go? I have worked through a lot of the pain and anger of these losses. When I stopped asking why did this happen to what can I do to help myself through this, was a beginning of growth for me. I know the career I have now is a result of me going through these losses. I am good at what I do and God used the losses to help me to help others. However, there are still parts that need fixing so here we go. I will stop now with one more quote from the WFG book, "Compulsive eating is an attempt to avoid the absence (of love, comfort, knowing what to do) when we find ourselves in the desert of a particular moment, feeling, situation. In the process of resisting the emptiness, in the act of turning away from our feelings, of trying and trying again to lose the same twenty, fifty, eighty pounds, we ignore what could utterly transform us. But when we welcome what we most want to avoid, we evoke that in us that is not a story, not caught in the past, not some old image of ourselves. We evoke divinity itself. And in doing so, we can hold emptiness, old hurts, fear in our cupped hands and behold our missing hearts."