nothing much

Nothing much too post. Did do my 2nd workout tonight this time it was cardio only and was only 12 min, but my heart rate was in the part that is good. I can't remember what it is called. As I am working on this I can't help but be reminded of a cartoon I saw once, A very old man was at his doctor's office, the man was saggy and all wrinkled and complaining, the doc told him cheer up these are the days you got for working out, not smoking, not drinking etc...might have lost something in transition. At this moment I am tired and going to go to bed.

Obsession

I have posted a new pic. I like to post a pic at the beginning and then every 10 lbs I lose after that. Before you know there will be lots and lots of pics. Ugh the pic is horrible I think.

Anyway on to better stuff. I am reading the book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth to help figure out how to make this weight go away and stay away. It is an excellent book and I haven't even gotten to chapter 4 yet. I am going to throw out a few of the quotes and talk about how I feel about it. Chapter 3 is entitled "Never underestimate the inclination to bolt" I like what Ms. Roth had to say about compulsive eating. She leads several retreats and she is sharing what she tells the retreat members. "But I also tell them compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of deprivation. And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge. The way we are able to accomplish all of this is by the simple act of bolting-of leaving ourselves-hundreds of times a day." I have always known I can lose weight until the cows come home, but until I figured out what was going on deeper within me it would keep coming back. Maybe that is one reason why I haven't been one to try and lose and try and lose and try and lose again and again. I have done my fair share trust me. Ms. Roth goes on to speak about obsession. Obsession can manifest itself in many forms not only eating, "thinking about something else, blaming your mother, blaming someone else, getting into a fight, comparing yourself to other people, dreaming about a life in the future, recalling life in the past, never getting deeply involved." I like to dream in the future alot. What would my life be if I was thinner, or if I had my own house, if I were married. There is nothing wrong with dreaming, but at some point you need to put action behind the dreams to make them come true. "Resigning yourself to the endless struggle with food so you never have to take the dive into the meaning of it all. Or discover who you are, what your relationships can be without the drama of food." I had never thought about obsession much before. I do have one with food. I am just now beginning to get a grasp on it. "Obsession gives you something to do besides having your heart shattered by heart-shattering events. Like watching your children get sick, like living while your spouse dies. Like being with your parents as they get old, wear diapers, forget their on names...It gives you the illusion of feeling everything without having to be vulnerable to anything." Basically you are in control and everyone else is here for you to place where you want and how you want. "There is madness in obsession, yes, but its value is that it drowns out the madness of life." Know anyone that has any other obsessions besides food? Ms. Roth talks alot about living in the moment. Not anticipating what might happen or the pain that will come along. Be in the moment. Do what needs to be done in that moment, laugh, cry, sob, feel the emotion of the moment. "The answer to I have no idea how I am going to get through this is: You allow yourself to sob, to heave, to feel as if your heart has a boulder crashing throught it. ..You get help from your friends. And you notice at the end of every day you are still alive." Ms. Roth goes onto to say when we go into the survival mode where we feel nothing we are slipping back to the days of our childhood and youth when we could not distinguish the difference between physical and emotional pain. "But if as adults we still believe that pain will kill us, we are seeing through the eyes of the fragile selves we once were and relying on the exquisite defense we once developed:bolting. Obsessions are ways we leave before we are left because we believe that the pain of staying would kill us."

As I said there is a lot in this book to think about to get my mind wrapped around. It sounds so easy doesn't it to live in the moment? What does that mean exactly to live in the moment? I would think it would mean something different to each of us. My moment is not your moment. I go into my moment with a hundred different things that have happened to me and how I will face this moment. As we all do. I will look at your moment and say good gravy that is not how would live my moment if I had your moment. But there it is I am not living in my moment if I am looking at your moment and seeing how your living. Do you think life is meant to be complicated or do we make it that way? If we live in our moments is it less complicated? Is it when we don't live in our moments we become obsessed? Obsessed to see things are done perfectly because if they aren't the world will crash in and the world will be able to see what is really going on? Obsessed with giving our love away so we don't have to feel the pain of the one love we lost? Obsessed with eating because it helps us escape? Isn't all obsession about escaping? Have you figured out what you are escaping from?

I've done it now

I do believe last night my words were I am not going to pay for a trainer. Well guess what? That is correct I have a trainer. My thought is this, I think it is my thought or was it his sales pitch that got into my thoughts? Whatever I now have committed to have a trainer 1 day week for a year. Alrighty then here we go. I will know there is someone there to motivate me. To check on what I have been eating and if I am doing my 3 day a week workout. They will plan my workouts for me and talk about nutrition. I had a little workout tonight 15 min. thought I was going to die. Actually worse thought I might throw up on this well built, nice looking man in front of me. He says we worked all of my body and I will be sore tomorrow. What a time to be out of Ibuprofen. I did enjoy it and I did feel good afterwards except for my knees that didn't have a good time walking up the stairs. They will get better.
Does it bother anyone else when you have a younger person that probably has never had a weight problem talking to you about yours? I don't know that bothered me so much as the part he has never been a 49 y/o overweight woman. As I was working out I asked him if my face was really red. He told me no, but I was sweating and he knew by that I was getting a good work out. He was under the impression it had been a long time since I have sweat. My thought was you have never been 49, overweight and female you sweat at almost everything you do. Well that and working in a nursing home where room temps vary from mid 80's to 100's usually works up a good sweat. The man I had tonight is not going to be who my actual trainer is. I will know that tomorrow. Please let him be ugly! I start Monday. This is going to be an adventure. I am looking forward to it though and that is a good thing. Right now in this place I am happy and content.
Thank you to everyone for all the kind thoughts, words and prayers and private messages. I didn't post in the blog, but I would encourage anyone who is having a problem with depression talk to your doctor. Ask for a professional to talk to about your problems. Talk therapy is a wonderful thing. It is up to each of us to encourage and educate others that depression and all mental illnesses are just as real as any physical illness.

Depression

I am certainly going in baby steps, but at least I am still stepping. Tomorrow I meet with a trainer at Ozarks Fitness. I joined about a week ago and I haven't talked about it a lot because I don't want people to bug me about going. Or is it I don't want people to know I joined and then stopped going? Would that be a defeating thought before even getting started? Could be, but as I said I did make the appointment. He will train me on the equipment and tell me what I need to do and then I am sure try to convince me to pay him to do this with me on a regular basis. It would be nice, but I am not Oprah and can't afford it right now. I will see where my baby steps take me. I have done some in the line of organizing. I am aware of things more and what I need to do. I have been keeping additional journals on the organization and losing weight. What? You thought I told you everything? Not quite. I still have some secrets.
Depression even the word sounds sad. I have it. I take medication for it on a regular basis. Surprised? Do I wish I could change it. YES! Can I change it? Yes, I can do things that will help me. Are there going to be times and situations when I can't change it? Yes. It is a struggle at times to get up and get out? Yes. I know there are certain things and certain times of the year that will set it off. Christmas is one. Do I do better than I used to? Yes. Does it still make me sad and lonely? Yes it does and it always has. I don't know why. Christmas was always good and is still good with my family. I don't worry about Christmas and I don't dread it, I am getting better at figuring out that hey I will have my sad time. I try to do it alone, but sometimes it is just there. I don't want to be depressed. I don't choose to be depressed. It is NOT pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. I don't know that I can explain how it is. It is a sadness and extreme sadness at times. The medicine helps. Change-good change or bad change adds to depression. Getting organize and losing weight a change-a good change. Still scary, still depressing in my world because the place I have been is safe. It is comfortable. Healthy? No, but safe and mine. I have been depressed for the last several days. This is what I have figured out-maybe. I think my cycle plays a part more than it used too. I would bet I am mid cycle. I have had a conflict with a co-worker/friend. Not easy. She said mean and hateful things. Of course when we met with the boss it was not her fault it was mine because I made her angry. Seriously? She is not 16. I have decided I can't let what she does affect what I do. She calls in alot, she is late, she is not a team player. Those things are not mine. I do what I am supposed to do and then she wants me to do what she is supposed to do. Really? Not gonna do it. I can't let it bother me like it has I have to let it go. My work. I have been wondering if I need to get out of social work or find a happy job in social work and that is hard to find. I feel weary sometimes. I have heard stories that are horrendous and painful and heartbreaking. I see sad things everyday, but there are good things. I feel a great load with the responsibility I have to make someone else's life easier when they can't tell me how it needs to be easier. I know I am good at what I do, but it is a God thing that I do the work I do and when it is time or if it gets time to move on to something else it will be a God thing then too. My meds might need to be changed. I need to have a physical the fun kind for a female. I need to make appts. I can do that online now at anytime. The big OW (organization and weight)it is change. It will be good. I am taking baby steps and that is all I need to take. Turning the big 50 in a few months that is bothering me, but that will be a different blog.

CHANGE

Here we go again making those changes, ugh I don't like change, but it is necessary. It has been 2 years since I have posted anything. Time does fly and where does it go? I am now 49 and I believe that number could be the catalyst for this change. Who knows? Maybe it is the right time. Do I look at my last attempt at losing weight at failure? In a way yes and in another way no. I always try to learn something from everything that goes unexpectedly that way something has been gained. I don't think I am going to use this forum so much as a weight loss blog yet, because I am not there yet. What I have learned in this struggle is it must be come from within. One must look at what is going on and why food is our comforter. I am reading 2 books now to help me with this process. Women Food and God,(WFG) by Gennen Roth and one on how to get organized. For some reason these two things are intertwined for me in my life. I bought WFG because it was on sale at Borders then I went back each mark down for the companion books. I have been starting off and on with WFG all summer. Would go to the pool and read a couple of pages then stop. Today I read several pages and had several "wow" moments. This following quote being the first, "I've been abandoned and betrayed by who and what really matters and all I have left is food-is where the link between food and God exists. It marks the moment we gave up on ourselves, on change, on life. It marks the place we are afraid, It marks the feelings we won't allow ourselves to feel, and in so doing, keeps our lives contstricted and dry and stale. In that isolated place, it is a short step to the conclusion that God-where goodness and healing and love exist-abandoned us, betrayed us or is a supernatural version of our parents." I believe I do have a sense of abandonment somewhere in me. I feel abandoned my parents aren't here, especially my mom. I loved my mom more than anyone. In fact I was embarassed at times that I loved her so much and would rather have been with her than anyone. I would get mad sometimes because it didn't seem like I had anyone else but her in my life for me. How she could have left me when I needed her the most I did not understand for a long time. Then there was the baby miscarried 2 weeks before my mom died. With the loss of the baby I could not fathom losing my mom 2 weeks later. My mind said I lost her so I could keep my mom. I know these events are 22 years old, time flies and where does it go? I have worked through a lot of the pain and anger of these losses. When I stopped asking why did this happen to what can I do to help myself through this, was a beginning of growth for me. I know the career I have now is a result of me going through these losses. I am good at what I do and God used the losses to help me to help others. However, there are still parts that need fixing so here we go. I will stop now with one more quote from the WFG book, "Compulsive eating is an attempt to avoid the absence (of love, comfort, knowing what to do) when we find ourselves in the desert of a particular moment, feeling, situation. In the process of resisting the emptiness, in the act of turning away from our feelings, of trying and trying again to lose the same twenty, fifty, eighty pounds, we ignore what could utterly transform us. But when we welcome what we most want to avoid, we evoke that in us that is not a story, not caught in the past, not some old image of ourselves. We evoke divinity itself. And in doing so, we can hold emptiness, old hurts, fear in our cupped hands and behold our missing hearts."

Still plugging along

Did you think I had given up? Nope. I do admit this summer has been difficult. I have played with losing 33-35lbs all summer. I would lose then I would gain the same amount I lost. Frustrating. I did join the fitness and worked out faithfully for a couple of weeks. Then it seems like I went on a hiatus or a sabbatical, but I think that is okay. I didn't give up. I just put counting points on hold for awhile. I didn't go back to eating everything I wanted, well maybe I did, but I didn't start drinking real pop again.
We changed leaders at our program at work and I really didn't like him too much. I don't know I am sure he is a nice guy, but just didn't click for me. That makes a huge difference on the leader. We didn't have enough people to renew at work so I decided I would join Weight Watchers online. I have been on it 2 days and it seems to be working good. I just have to be careful not to weigh everyday. Monday is my weigh in day. I thought about changing it because being right after the weekend and all, but we will see how it goes. If I have to change it I am not going to beat myself up about it. I do think I will like it online, but that means I might be posting on here more.
I do have plans to start working out again. I need to do measurements because if I don't lose then I can check to see if I am losing inches.
Okay now you all now that I am still hanging in there. I will have a new picture of another 10lb weight loss soon. I will make it. Thanks to everyone for the support.

10 % of me is gone

As of this past Wednesday I have lost 10% of me. If you find it I don't want it back. That is 30lbs. That is cool, but I will tell you the lifestyle change is tough. I have found out the lifestyle change involves more than eating and exercising changes. It involves emotional and mental changes also. I have struggled with my old fr enemy depression more the past week or so than I have for awhile. I am not sure what is going on. I feel restless or lonely or something. Maybe I need to get away for awhile, but where to go and how to get there? I have been trying to find someone to hang out with as in a male type person, but haven't had much luck. Then I think I am having luck and then either because I want more than a booty call or he saw my pic of my weight loss on FB stopped hearing from him. I know, I know he is that shallow and he isn't worth it. I know that, but it is disappointing and it hurts to be rejected by anyone. Then I get pissed off at myself for not heeding the red flags. Did you know that the human species is the only species that does not pay attention to the gut instinct? Then I have to ask myself I am I losing weight for me or to get that male? I really believe it is for me. Losing weight is like making changes anywhere else it has to be for the person not for anyone else.
However, even though I have been struggling with the down moods I have seemed more content. Does that make sense? More content at home and more content with who I am.
I think I am going to stop trying to find the elusive male. Lord knows I haven't ever tried real hard anyway. I just want to be somebody special to someone. Oh eee gads, I am beginning to sound all sappy. See there it is that feeling again not knowing what it is I am feeling. Is restlessness-what for? Loneliness-who for? Burned out-from what? I don't know, I don't know and I don't know.
Of course, it could be the change thing I am freaking about. I think I have talked about my dislike of change positive or negative. Could be that I am attempting to get out of my comfort zone some and that is freaking me out. I believe that could be it. I have been taking steps to improve myself, which I have been successful at. I have taken steps to find a male person in my life, which is something different for me. At least I am stepping in that direction. I don't know. This I do know I have lost 30 lbs accept it enjoy it and concentrate on the next 10% 28lbs. Things have a way of working out if we just let them. I feel like I should have posted here sooner I feel better.
Please don't feel sorry for me and try to set me up with anyone. Well, if they have a lot of money I will consider.